So I’m not going to give any favorites this week because I honestly don’t have any. This week has been okay. I can’t say it has been bad because it honestly hasn’t, but I feel very off balance. A part of me is very excited for Spring Break because I’ll be in Austin with my best friend all week, going to awesome concerts and parties! I couldn’t be more pumped! Lucky for me, my depression is not allowing me to just be happy. I have so many things that have been on my mind for weeks but I don’t care much to talk about them with anyone who isn’t my therapist. I am frustrated with my fraternity Brothers because idk maybe being a musical, service fraternity means that you need to play your instrument and show up to fucking service projects. Like seriously,you are in the wrong fucking organization if you can’t do that, and also FUCK YOU! I literally go to every musical/service and social event because that is part of being in this organization. I’m so sick of fake, irresponsible people in my life and it’s so unfortunate that I have to be part of a group with so many fake people! On the other side of things though, the Brothers that get it make me overwhelmingly proud to have them in my life.
In other parts of my life though, I’m seriously contemplating never being sober again although I don’t think that is a bad thing ha ha. I have mixed feeling on what I want next in my life. I finally tweaked my major to where I enjoy it again and am excited to go to classes. But in my personal life I am completely lost. I do not want to find a “special someone” because I can’t handle that shit right now. Maybe i’m scared of getting hurt or something like that, idk. Honestly I just don’t want to deal with a relationship right now, they are hard work and complicated sometimes and it’s just too much for me right now. Sounds good huh? Nope! My life is never that simple….because literally ALL of my friends are in seriously relationships…. You may think i’m overreacting but i’m not. I hadn’t noticed until about three days ago but just about every serious friend I have at UMHB are now in relationships. Some are new relationships, awesome and fun; some are older but still pleasant. It’s so weird…I am of course thrilled for them but feel left out. I feel the oddest pressure to find someone now, even though i don’t want to. It’s weird. I have never been so confused. Also I miss having sex with the person I was having sex with but I’ve decided to not think about it anymore because we both know where we stand and how we can change things if either of us changes our mind. I would say that we are finally on the same page or at least in the same book but I’m always uncertain when it comes to him.
What else what else…. things are good at home I guess. I can’t really say much because both my roommates read my blog and they will misunderstand my thoughts.
The unsettling reality that I am very confused about my life right now scares me tremendously. I know that it’s okay not to have answers or plans but i’m still pretty scared. It is hard for me to admit that I’m still going through a lot even though I feel better. I still say “fuck it, I don’t care” even though I care a lot and I do want to talk about it. I just don’t know how. Trying to understand and improve myself has been extremely difficult and even when I think I’ve moved forward many steps I still feel like I’m in the same place I’ve always been. Let me tell you, it is a very scary feeling to endure and I do not like it. I do not like it at all.
So, today on this shitty Sunday afternoon, I can say i’m not happy or sad, i’m not depressed or excited, but very confused and content. Fortunately, I think being content is all that really matters to me at the moment.
- 1.Kissed a girl?
- 2.Kissed a boy?
- Of Course
- 3.Had sex in public?
- 4.What’s your religion?
- 5.What does your URL mean?
- I was 15 when I created this blog and need to change it.
- 6.Reason you joined tumblr?
- My friend Sam said it was a cool site.
- 7.Do you have any nicknames?
- MarMar, Marmot, ect. I hate them but I love the people who call me them so it's okay!
- 8.Do you like bubble bath?
- Hell yes!
- 9.Kissed in the rain?
- 10.Dyed your hair?
- A couple of years ago but I want to dye it again.
- 11.Soup or salad?
- 12.Vegetable or meat?
- 13.Go out drinking?
- I'm 19....soooooo not yet
- 14.Smoke cigarettes?
- Can't and probably wouldn't if I could.
- 15.Smoke weed?
- Ha ha of course!
- 16.Do any hard drugs?
- Define hard drugs? Lol
- 17.Have you had sex today?
- 18.Have you ever fallen asleep in someones arms?
- Yea? Probably.
- 19.The relationship between you and the person you last texted?
- Best friends, Brother from another mother
- 20.Has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes?
- 21.Skipped doing homework to play a video game?
- Ummmm I don't think so.
- 22.Tried to commit suicide?
- 23.The last time you felt broken?
- I think I still feel broken but I'm not really sure tbh.
- 24.Had to lie to EVERYONE about how you felt?
- 25.Do you have a Boyfriend/Girlfriend?
- 26.Do you have Long hair OR short hair?
- Long XD
- 27.First thing you notice to a guy/girl?
- 28.Do you sing in the shower?
- 29.Do you dance in the car?
- Ha ha yes!
- 30.Where were you yesterday?
- Chillin with family!
- 31.Ever used a bow and arrow?
- In elementary school, I think!
- 32.Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer?
- Senior pics so two years ago.
- 33.Do you think musicals are cheesy?
- Nope! I'm bias though
- 34.Is Christmas stressful?
- Yea, but worth it!
- 35.Favorite type of fruit pie?
- Hmmm lemon?
- 36.Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid?
- Teacher, priest, lol idk
- 37.Do you believe in ghosts?
- 38.Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?
- Who hasn't?
- 39.Take a vitamin daily?
- I probably should.
- 40.Wear slippers?
- If I could find them.
- 41.Wear a bath robe?
- Ha ha no!
- 42.What do you wear to bed?
- 43.Do you want to get married?
- 44.Can you curl your tongue?
I didn’t a weekly favorites last week because i spent most of last week at TMEA in San Antonio and the internet at the hotel sucked! Therefore i will be combining this week and last weeks favorites as well as a nice rant about how my life sucks right now. Any waysssssssss TMEA was fucking incredible! A modern day composer by the name of John Mackey premiered a piece there and it was amazing! Side note he is very short in person. Regardless I had a great time lots of great performances, awesome vendors, and absolutely incredible clinics! I also got to meet my best friends new girlfriend and ummm i don’t think she likes me ha ha. Lucky for her i don’t give a fuck who she is, I’ve been his best friend for 6 years and she’s replaceable, i am not ;P I can assure you that i was nice to her but she didn’t have anything but rude looks to give me.
So to the good shit. My favorite video this week is “Can’t Remember to Forget You” by Shakira ft. Rihanna https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o3mP3mJDL2k This video is just fucking sexy! Like seriously Shakira is so fucking sexy, i just can’t sometimes! I have a hard core woman crush on her! Plus she’s from Colombia and welp that’s kind of my thing :P The songs alright too ;P Song of the week is “Do I Wanna Know?” by Arctic Monkeys https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bpOSxM0rNPM I don’t have a movie of the week, I haven’t seen anything good because I’ve super into re-watching Sherlock….my show of the week is Sherlock! It’s on Netflix. Go. Watch. It.
This post is soo fucking late….i am sorry!
the scary thing about dating is that you are either going to marry that person or break up
Baby, I’m yours
Til the stars fall from the sky
Baby, I’m yours
Til the rivers all run dry
Baby, I’m yours
Til the sun no longer shines
Baby, I’m yours
Til the poets run out of rhymes