You think you'll use me but im stronger than you

You think you'll use me but im stronger than you

♫ ♪ "..I’m sick of standing in your line,
So now you’ll have to take it, take this to heart
I will never let you fuck me over,
Stop talking down to me, your war is old,
your game is over
So here’s my coldest shoulder..." -Blue October 'Say it'

  1. On my now very typical Thursday.

    I keep waking up hoping this is all just a dream… but it’s not, this is now my fucked up life. If I didn’t understand my life before I sure as fuck don’t understand it now. I was already standing on a mountain in the middle of fucking nowhere and now I’ve completely fallen off that mountain, well i was pushed off but that’s besides the point now. Basically an already bad situation got even worse. Sure, my summer is extended and sure, i don’t start classes for another month but i miss my friends and i miss the town and the places and the things. I miss my section and the band. I feel like I’ve been kicked off the island in survivor, and it wasn’t even a fair fight. Plus being home is hard.. My dad won’t speak to me and the rest of my family looks at me like they don’t know me. Being home is unbelievably boring because all my Austin friends are at school or not in Austin! This wasn’t fair, and i didn’t deserve it but i am trying to make the best out of this situation but while I sit here on a Thursday afternoon I can only imagine what i would have been doing on campus. I am sad and angry and beyond anything else I am hurting. I’ve never felt so betrayed by so many people in my life. Everyone keeps telling me things will be okay and it’s not that bad, it’s just a semester off. But they aren’t going through this, I am…and although i know that things will be okay, and i know that i am strong and that i will get through this but the wait is lonely and cruel and I still wake up hoping it’s all just a dream. 

    -M

    [The moment I realized my “friends” weren’t really my friends was the moment my heart broke because I loved them. They were my home away from home, they were my Brothers and they weren’t there for me when I needed them the most.]

    Posted 4 days ago


  2. (Source: discohub, via kradify)

    90
  3. (Source: calmist, via slow-job)

    485935
  4. dignitea:

    my life is a joke and i’m not laughing anymore

    (via unplannedchild)

    Posted 6 days ago

    706222
  5. Being high is the only time I don’t feel like a complete piece of shit.

    Posted 6 days ago


  6. From 18 to 22 you meet a lot of temporary people.

    — (via saintclarity)

    (Source: mydeepest-fear, via scrapsofdream)

    170821
  7. my favorite.

    my favorite.

    (Source: acidd-wastelandd)

    155
  8. soselfimportant:

    4:35 Blaze it sorry traffic was crazy

    (via givingblowjobs)

    Posted 1 week ago

    453002
  9. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so…alone…

    Posted 1 week ago


  10. I wanted to say goodbye…

    …but I can’t even look at you. You betrayed me and one day I’ll forgive. But I will never forget.

    Posted 1 week ago

    1
  11. Have you ever taken a nap in a tub full of water?

    i just tried it.

    Posted 2 weeks ago


  12. lovingvaldaya:

    Robin Williams’ passing is a reminder that those who make us laugh the most are usually fighting the biggest demons.

    (via karkat-barakat)

    Posted 2 weeks ago

    163952
  13. It’s been a long time.

    Do you ever feel like your heart is going to explode, like you can feel someone squeezing the blood right out of it? Do you ever feel like you can’t breath, as tears run uncontrollably down your face? Do you ever feel like the world is spinning with out you?

    I feel this sometimes.

    It’s called an anxiety attack. I used to have these attacks once every few days for a large portion of my life and up until recently I didn’t know how to control them…but now I do.

    To calm myself down, I sit in the tub and listen to the water run. I sit, I cry, and I listen until I can breath again. Until I can feel my heartbeat again. I repeat to myself over and over again that I’ll be okay, that I just need to try and breath and stop crying. These attacks can take anywhere from 10 minutes to hours. It’s very scary and a feeling I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. I hate having anxiety attacks. I hate them so much. I wish they wouldn’t happen to me, but I can’t control that. What I can control, is how many times it happens. After so many months of not having a single attack, this one caught me by surprise. I take an anti-anxiety/anti-depressant every day at 9am. It’s a small blue pill that helps balance the serotonin in my brain. Today I had an attack. I have identified the trigger, and am currently working through those emotions. 

    Originally Written on July 23rd, 2014

    The reason for this post is to inform. For so long, I thought I was crazy but turns out i just have a chemical unbalance in my brain. It makes me who am, and I’m finally starting to like myself because of it. The more you know ;) 

    -M

    Anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its sorrows, but only empties today of its strength.
    -Charles Spurgeon

    Posted 2 weeks ago

    1
  14. samantha-darko:

    Year 20 is when I realized that I should never give someone the opportunity to ruin my life. 

    Posted 3 weeks ago

    2
  15. You made me happy. Plus a life update.

    First of all it’s been a long time since I’ve been legitimately happy, I’d say about three years but in the last month I let you make me happy. I have no idea why or how you made me happy but you did. It’s not fair the way things happened but I do not regret it at all. Being with you made me more happy than I’ve been in years. I will not apologize for that. I deserved to be happy. We weren’t serious but that’s what i liked the most about you. You made me smile and laugh and feel good about myself! We had fun together even though we knew it was wrong to be together. I think i made you happy as well, I wish you would have let me continue to make you happy, but unfortunately that’s a choice i think you’ll have to live with. 

    On a happier note, I have moved from Austin back to Round Rock and in a week I shall be moving back to Belton! I was and am really sad to be leaving Austin and all my new friends but i think it’s time i go home. I miss my UMHB friends and i miss living my days with purpose. I had an eventful, amazing. interesting, complicated but simple summer. I couldn’t be happier with how it turned out. S/O to my roommate and best friend Sam! This summer only strengthened our relationship and I am beyond grateful for that. More details about my summer will definitely be coming. I just haven’t had much time to blog lately but i will attempt to fix that and make time for it!

    -M

    "Does life ever get easier? It doesn’t. We just get older and learn to understand it better."

    Posted 3 weeks ago

    1